7th December 2007 at 2:18 PM #16380
Treat the disease, not the symptoms. Dual diagnosis addicts use manipulation as a way to continue to drink or drug, and family can only influence change through tackling the real root of the problem, and by being tough…tough love
PatriciaholeMember@patriciahole23rd September 2012 at 8:34 PM #16384
Wow….I am an addict, so is my son….your so right I am reinforcing his behavior even though his is sober….as he still has the same routines of irresponsibility. He is 30 years old still at home with no job….I, me, myself is actually rewarding his behavior by enabling?
PJMember@pj3rd February 2014 at 11:14 PM #16382
Rather than advising,the author comes across as though he is projecting his own personal circumstances. This could be due to expectation regarding a loved one/a loved one’s recovery that has proved disappointing. The advisements seem to stem from a passive aggressive spirit. We see this a lot. And, not
coincidently, the specific advisements from people/parents, who are
struggling with their own sense of dissatisfaction with their loved ones
recovery often support “Tough Love” as the preferred
method of response to their addicted family members challenge.
I am encouraging the author to increase his scope about recovery by learning about current,evidence-based treatments that support recovery including, but not limited to, Motivational Interviewing (MI), Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT),Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT), and other Cognitive Behaviorally based supports/resources. It’s important that those attempting to advise others with ‘specific’ responses to the challenge of addiction
-especially advisements given in complete absence of the advisee’s
individual circumstances- have a broad range of understanding regarding
multiple and CURRENT approaches in recovery that are based on clinical
evidence. In other words, approaches that are proven, via clinical studies, to
help individuals with substances use disorder facilitate healthy change and
Addiction has biological, psychological and sociological components. Addiction (substances use disorder) is the result of ‘maladaptive coping’, and is very often a product of learned behavior that is rooted in the dynamics of a dysfunctioning family system/family of origin. It is a learned behavior. It can be ‘unlearned’. It takes time to achieve sustainable recovery. The average number of relapses for an addicted person is 7 to 8 during the course of their journey to recovery. More often than not, addiction is accompanied by one or more co-occurring mental health disorders such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder etc.
Tough Love strategies are subjective, at best, and often utilized by parents and other loved ones to levy punishment on the addicted family member, or to passive aggressively vent their own anger, frustration, shame, fear (anxiety) about their
challenge, rather than the intended purpose of ‘allowing
Parents will need as much support and education regarding recovery as their addicted child. Addiction is a chronic family condition -often handed down from one generation to the next. The entire family will need to change in order for the addicted family member to have the best chance at sustainable recovery.
Family members, specifically parents, should be educated/trained utilizing approaches that will strengthen the relational dynamic between themselves and
their substances use disordered son/daughter – moving the contention and
negative emotions/narratives out of the way so that authentic change and
recovery purposed interactions and communications can replace the
dysfunctional ones, that have been around for a long time in the relationship.
Please read “Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging Pleading and
Threatening” and “Born For Love” . These two current books,
(and there are more),make a very compelling case as to why we are
increasingly seeing a trend in spirit of response/approach and addiction
treatment that is moving AWAY from the myths and notions associated
with ‘tough love’.
PickanameMember@pickaname13th June 2015 at 9:28 PM #16381
Sort of agree with PJ, I’ll put it this way my issue of addiction began after tough love was administered, about a couple of years after. My childhood wasn’t great-I’ve been accustomed to being left alone on weekend days for it’s entirety.I feel that at age 12 3 weeks without parents home, wasn’t helpful to me whatsoever. I had always tried to better myself, with nobody noticing much. I have massive debt from student loans put myself through college on my own. Graduated. I bought my first computer in 2008, I couldn’t get hired for an entry level position.. I bought my first car at age 17 with money I earned. I’m in my 30’s and find myself facing the consequences of poor decisions made a couple years back. My family is all about the tough love or rather, the Big Shun. I still manage to hold a job. I know enough to know I’m messed up, I pay my own bills and don’t borrow money. Tough Love has been the theme of my entire life. So I actually enjoy it! There’s pain involved in it, BUT I am free from abusive behavior, bullying and others’ scapegoating me. For me it didn’t work. But for someone whose never had to face consequences for their, behavior never heard the word”no” a little tough love could help at the least helping the person get a move-on and take the first steps of self responsibility. For me it’s sort of like this- Let’s say I took up swimming, my family would say, you’d better make it to the Olympics or don’t bother at all. So their tough love has been a relief for me to be myself and learn to be okay with myself.
Jo GoodeMember@jogoode8th February 2017 at 10:28 PM #29610
THIS IS THE WORST ARTICLE I HAVE READ IN YEARS! TOUGH LOVE HAS BEEN PROVEN TO BE THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO TO AN ADDICT. THEY ARE IN PAIN AND CUT OFF FROM LOVE AND YOU ARE DOING NOTHING BUT MAKING THEIR ADDICTION WORSE. MAYBE YOULL SEE THAT WHEN YOUR ADDICT ID DEAD.