Home \ Forums \ Teenagers & Young Adults \ Kicked my son out of the house. Now I want him back..

8 replies, 7 commenters Last updated by Profile photo of lisapaul lisapaul 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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    Kicked my son out of the house. Now I want him back but don’t know how to make it happen and still retain any authority over him.

    I have always had a close relationship with my 16 year old son. As a single mother, we’ve been through a lot together over the years and he is a big part of my life.

    For the last couple of years he has started in with a really bad crowd and they have totally changed the way he behaves and his attitude towards me. I have caught him with marijuana and alcohol and some kind of pills and half the time I can’t tell if he is high or just sullen and ignoring. He also has a girlfriend who seems to have no parental supervision at all and very little shame. I will come home to see the 2 of them on the couch together and they barely even stop until I get angry. It is very hard for me to watch. They seem to find me a joke.

    His grades are terrible. He drinks and uses drugs. He breaks the law. He is sexually active and has explicit content on his phone and computer that I find disgusting and that he barely feels the need to conceal from me.

    Last week the police brought him home drunk. They did not press charges but I was fed up and grounded him for a month for his behavior. He said he was too old to be grounded like some little kid. The next night he went out the window and went out to the park again to hang with his friends and didn’t come home until 2 in the morning. He knew I’d know and he just didn’t care. He was challenging me. I told him he was grounded for 2 months and if he couldn’t respect the rules of the house he couldn’t live here anymore.

    When I woke up the next morning he was gone and had taken a bag of his things with him. That was about 5 days ago. I have talked to him on the phone and know he is staying at his friend’s apartment, with no parents present. He seems to be having a fine time and he says that I kicked him out, which is not true. I feel like he knows I’m worried about him and he is punishing me by acting like he’s happy to be gone.

    I want him to come back home because I know that as badly as he treats me and as badly as he behaves, at least I know he is safe. Now, I lay awake at night worrying about him. But how do I get him to come back without losing any authority I have over him? I mean, I made an ultimatum and he made a joke of it. If I ask him to come home won’t he be able to do whatever he wants…not that would be so terribly different from before though.


  • Profile photo of David JohnsonDavid Johnson

    How sad it is that your son has decided to assert his independence in this way. Unfortunately, he is capable of independence from you at least for short periods of time, as he is demonstrating. His actions give you few options. At this point in time, I think it is wise to assume that the authority you have with him is what he gives you. He needs to discover where his limits are, when that happens, he will likely seek your support. Its very hard for youth to emancipate in these economic times. Unless he works full time, the cost of his care will catch up with him.

    I think a good place to start is to rethink what you can tolerate in your house. You no longer have control of your son, but you still have influence.  You always have control over your own boundaries. Decide where they are. Then offer him a place to live within a new set of guidelines, not based on your role as parent, but on your own balance between your values and tolerance and to protect your safety and peace of mind. Your greatest influence is by example. Next, presumably, you have more income and an ability to support him financially. Economics will likely be the strongest motivation that will bring him back. Decide now what you can compromise, both your bottom line and your starting point for negotiations with him..

    Another possible way that you have influence is whether his chemical abuse breaks the law. Do not allow law breaking in your house. You maybe legally and financially responsible to authorities. If your son is chemically dependent and a danger to himself or others, he may come under jurisdiction of civil commitment in your state. You may be able to have him confined in chemical dependent treatment. However, if you choose to do this, you may lose most of whatever goodwill you still have with him. But if his life is on the line, you may have few other choices.

    Finally, I think it is very important that you get involved in counseling for yourself to help you deal with your loss and work on more specific plans on how to continue to have influence in your son’s life. It might be useful to begin counseling before you start negotiating with your son.

    I wish you the very best. Parenting is the most difficult job we have.

  • Profile photo of DariusDarius

    im goign through similiar situation my son wants money handed to him everday hes very dependent with weed.and chooises the wrong crowds and talks to me very dispespectful .   and when doesent get his way throughs temper tantrums  i lost my twelve year old last year through accidental shooting   my nerves arent up to deal with this what can i do.//?

  • Profile photo of DariusDarius

    Also i cant get him up  for school its a fight every morning and he still wont go..I feel i have no control over him..and its hurtful when your sons gets in yourn face and is so meen. i am so good to him even his friends tell him that they wish their parents were as nice to them as i am him…i dont know how much longer i can tolerate him in same house with me ..his dad wont allow him to klive in his home,because his wife wont allow it because of core, my sons behavior.  he also steals money or whatever else he can get his hands on’ who wants to deal with..please help me……..thanks

  • Profile photo of Bdatar5Bdatar5

    Great advice! I just kicked my 20 y/o son out of my house! He acted very similar to what was described here! This wouldn’t be the first time I’ve kicked him out either! The first couple of times, I felt the very same way. I worried about his well being; Whether he had food, a safe place to stay and if he was staying out of trouble. I worried that there could be a horrible accident and if he were killed, I would NEVER forgive myself! After a day or so, I would find out where he was, contact him and offer to talk; This usually led to him moving back home again! BUT, Unfortunately, things would only get better for a short time. He would get comfortable and back to his immature, disruptive and lazy behavior! Truthfully, you need to wait until he comes back to you! If he’s jobless, it won’t be long. I’m guessing, his friends will keep him for a couple of weeks, if that! It doesn’t take long for the parents of his friends to take a stand against it. I certainly wouldn’t take in an unemployed friend of my son for more than a day or two. And, even if he was working, I’d expect a helpful guest; Not an extra mouth to feed and additional utility usage to my bills! It gets old quick! Even his friends that support themselves will only tolerate him for a limited time. They won’t be able to afford it! He will become a burden, a nuisance! He will be back, begging for a second chance! That’s when you will have the upper hand. You lay the ground rules down! You tell him, he can either follow your rules or starve on the streets! Yeah! It’s tough! It’s tough love! But, if you want to gain control; If you want your son to be a respectful to you; You have to cut him loose! Let him feel the cold, the hunger and the loss of friends. They really do find out who their real friends are! He will learn from the school of hard knox! There are boundries! Life is not easy! And, he needs to respect and appreciate the ones who truly love him! I know… Because I’ve done it to my own son!

  • Profile photo of Balqees AkhtarBalqees Akhtar

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